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andrew rice
Andrew Rice is a poet from Medina in the midst of constructing
a modern-day epic poem titled "Conrad's Cult, which sounds
a lot like Thomas Pynchon spontaneously re-writing "The
Odyssey" on acid.
Works on this page:
Conrad's Cult (Parts 1-5)
Vibefucked on a Friday
Chesire Moon
Breath of Time
Conrad's Cult (Parts 1-5)
Conrad Licten or
In Which I Give Away My Bed Sheets
[10 AM Monday]
Conrad Licten walked like a fat man
Probably because he was a fat man
Awkward, moving his arms and legs while he walked
Trying to position his fat inconspicuously
He walked like a fat man
Into my room while I was reading
Stood there awkwardly moving his fat around
Said to me: "Give me your bed sheets."
In a nice tone of voice not a robbing voice
I sort of blew air out of my mouth
In a stifled laugh
Transfixed by wiggling attempts
To conceal his fat stomach
So I pulled out a chair
Said: "Have a seat
You look uncomfortable."
But not as nicely as he asked me for my bed sheets
Chubby fingers groped his stomach
Fidgeted some more with his legs and waved me off
"I just need the bed sheets is all"
He was almost bashful this time
So I slid off the bed
He balled my sheets up and
Embraced them like they were a woman
When he walked out of my room
With my sheets under his arm
Conrad walked like an old man
Probably because he was an old man
An old fat man's shuffling self-conscious steps
And I don't even know why he wanted my bed sheets
2. Nelson Truby or
In Which I Don't Get Lunch
[1 PM Monday]
I opened the door to Gerald Diamond's diner
Appropriately named Diamond's Family Dinner
Nelson Truby was turned around on his barstool
Waving me over and beckoning me
With his voice that sounded like a small man
I guess that's because he was
Almost dwarf-like in stature
He liked to lick his lips in between words
He did it about every four or five words
Nelson speaking: "You'll never guess who"
--lick--
"Just barged in my house"
--lick--
"Yesterday to --"
No lick this time
I stopped him and said: "Old fat Conrad Licten, right?"
My eyes glared at him and went into mean mode
All I wanted was a bowl of French onion soup
"Wrong it wasn't"
--lick--
"Conrad it was Corwin Hickin"
--lick--
"He wanted my"
--lick--
"bed sheets"
I didn't want French onion soup anymore
"Oh that bastard Hickin huh?
Well I'll tell you what Nelson
I gotta run and pick my brother up
At the bank
So I'll see you around
Okay?"
I wished to rip his tongue off
My fingers itched
Nelson turned around on his barstool
Smoothing his pants annoyingly
He had the look of a crony
He had stereotypical voice and stature
So damn annoying though
A person couldn't stand him
For more than 5 minutes or so
I know I couldn't
I walked out the door and headed
To McDonald's instead
As Nelson licked the salt off his potato chips
One by one
And dropped them back on his plate
To tell you the truth, I don't have a brother
But Nelson doesn't know my family very well
Gerald Diamond or
In Which I Watch Some Porno
[11 PM Monday]
Gerald Diamond walked into my front door
Like he was my best friend
Also in much the same way
Conrad had entered that morning
Without the fatty awkwardness
With a lazy swagger
He held a six pack of Harp's
A very decent lager in a bottle
Said Gerald: "Hey bud I brought
Some beer
Let's watch a
Titty movie on the big screen"
Said I: "Jerry"
(Jerry with a J, with a G sounds
Very girlie to me, I say his
Name like a J)
"Jerry the oddest thing happened today . . ."
Jerry: "That shit I
Heard Nelson Truby harassing you about
This afternoon?"
I smiled and sipped a Harp's
Crossed a leg over my knee
Placing foot on knee the masculine way
Not knee on knee like Jerry does
I sucked in my lips
"That same exact shit Jer"
"Well I got
Extra set of sheets
If you need it friend"
A Wal-Mart commercial came on
Rolling back the prices
I can get a cheap shirt for $10.49
Instead of $11.29 at K-Mart
Big fuckin' deal
"It's ok
I got a sleeping bag"
Jerry stared at the TV
It's that All in the Family episode
Where Archie Bunker accidentally
Joins the KKK
Jerry: "You know if we're not gonna
Watch titties
I'm gonna go get a hooker"
I drained my beer
"See you tomorrow Jerry"
I grabbed two more Harp's
Before he got out the front door
When he started his car like a pervert
(He is a pervert and there's no denying that)
I was already watching a
Jenna Jameson lesbian scene
Two's a crowd
When there's tits on TV
(I guess there's no denying that
I'm a pervert too)
Corwin Hickin or
In Which Jerry Steals My Car
[11 AM Tuesday]
Corwin Hickin was dragging Jerry's dinner table
Out his front door like a sneaky bastard
(Jerry and me had just
Pulled into his driveway after
Free breakfast at Diamond's Family Dinner)
Syrup was sludgy in my throat
Breathing pancakes
Said Jerry: "What is that
Codgy old mother fucker
Doing with my table?"
I opened the car door
Jerry sat still in the passenger seat
Like an angry pervert
Corwin was threading the table legs
Through the front door
Inch by slow sneaky inch
(Sun reflected bright off his glasses
M*A*S*H hat sat on his crusty head
Sweater was draped over handrail)
His toe caught a crack
Head smacked on the
Hand rail holding his sweater
Said I to Corwin: "You need a hand?"
I picked up half the table
"Sonuvabitching stairs!
Boy this table
Worth more trouble'n
It's worth"
He looked from the
Table to his Blue Truck
"Let's go boy
I need this done by 12
Or Conrad have my ass"
Old bastard sat on the ground
I finally figured out
I was supposed to finish the job
By myself
Fuck that: "Jerry!
Get out my car and
Give me a hand!"
Corwin squinted while
Jerry raised his middle finger
And opened the window
"If you take the table
I'm stealing your car
Man"
Corwin wheezed several times
And lit a cigarette
I guess he was laughing
"Load that"
(wheeze)
"Table boy"
(wheeze, wheeze, inhale, wheeze and exhale)
I put my arms in lazy mode
Grabbed a set of legs
And just dragged it across the cement
(Left a brown streak on the driveway)
Finally threw it in
Corwin's Blue Truck
While my car started and Jerry peeled out of
His driveway
Corwin sneaked up behind me
Like an old bastard
His breath smelled like mean cheese
"Good work boy"
I walked into Jerry's house
To get the keys to his Miata
I was still in lazy mode and didn't want to walk home
His car was cooler than mine anyway
Conrad's Cult or
In Which I am Out of Mushroom Soup
[2 PM Tuesday]
Just as I finished jerking off
The doorbell rang
Like it was pushed by an old chubby finger
Door swung open
There stood Conrad Licten
(I prayed he did not want
My sleeping bag)
Jiggling his fat around and looking
Much more uncomfortable even than he had looked
Barging into my room on his
Quest for bed sheets
I greeted: "Hey Conrad"
He replied: "We're collecting
Cans of Cream of Mushroom Soup
And hotdogs"
He nodded towards a cooler sitting on the ground
Next to his shifting legs
Me being perplexed: "Sure Conrad"
Disappearing into my kitchen
While Conrad struggled to get comfortable
Standing blatantly fat in my doorway
I reappeared without soup but with 8 packs of hotdogs
(I'm a bachelor, enough said)
Conrad reached for the hotdogs
I clutched them more tightly
"What are you up to Conrad?
You and that old ugly bastard Hickin
What's going on with you two?"
Conrad's jowls flapped as he looked down
Struggling to find a way to escape
And still get the hotdogs
Said Conrad slowly: "We're starting a Cult
You see
Me'n Corwin are
That's what's going on"
I was even more perplexed
My brain went into puzzle mode
"What kind of cult?"
Conrad blinked
"Well it's for people who
Feel sorta ugly 'bout theyselves"
I stifled a laugh
(An Ugly Cult?)
"So you're fat and Hickin's an old ugly bastard
Worthy leaders you are
And what do you ugly people do?"
Still trying not to laugh
"Well we all live together out back in my woods
Live together naked"
That was too much
I choked and spit on the ground towards Conrad's feet
Squeezing my jaws together
I didn't want to upset
That uncomfortable fat man standing on my porch
Begging for hotdogs and Cream of Mushroom soup
"Isn't that more a Nudist camp for
Ugly people?"
Now Conrad had to think
"No because we do ceremonies
That's what them hotdogs and soup's for"
I took a seat on Conrad's cooler
The curiosity was killing me:
"What kind of ceremonies do you perform?"
Now Conrad shook his head
Fat chin doing a shuffle along his neck
"That's only for members to know
You aren't no member so I can't tell you
In fact
You couldn't be a member
You're too perfect to join"
He glared at me then at the hotdogs in my perfect hands
That's the first time I felt
I've been insulted for being too handsome
(Well I am a very good-looking guy)
So I got off Conrad's cooler
Handing him his hotdogs
Conrad shuffled off dragging his cooler behind him
Like a fat man
I sat on my porch and thought about
Returning Jerry's Miata that evening
Vibefucked on a Friday
Left swimming in this
Murky
(son of a bitching)
lake
They ran like frightened geese
Into the sun
(come home all cooked and red)
She swam away
to New York
And I'm vibefucked on a Friday
No beer
No drugs
No girls
To sing in my ear
Vibefucked and I can't yell
She won't hear me in New York
They can't hear me in the sun
(drowned out by pouring wine)
They're full of it down there
Stepped out of the car
Into an ethanol bath
And beaches of barley
Where women's breasts sway
To Bob Marley music
And she's locked in a cell
Of cement and
(skyscrapers)
windows
Vibefucked in my bed
Going to sleep well past 1
No dust in my head
No sweetness on my breath
(No hangovers this week)
Vibefucked with an empty bottle
It smacks of animosity
She floats by my lips
Around my fingers
And out the door
She left for the city
And I'm vibefucked in my room
Sitting like a flacid penis
(ready for action)
Remembering the smell of her hair
And the pride on
(that asshole)
his face
I'll kick his ass
Wiping my fist through his skull
(motherfucker)
Crying as he stains his shirt
(pussy)
Rolling over the cigarettes
And filth that stain my dreams
Vibefucked while I sleep
She wakes me up in my dreams
Just so I can yell again
Then remember to forgive
That ball of floral conceit
Stop being fucking superficial!
Stop loving with your god damn
(beautiful)
eyes!
Stop weaving cheap excuses
To veil your hard nipples!
I know he tasted you
Stop vibefucking me with your stories!
I dont want to know how it felt
My eyes are clams
But I still touch you the same
Can you see?
Finally?
It's time for the bastard child
Time to travel that plain road
Back from New York
Unwrap your shopping bags
Take off your silver petalled glasses
And see me for the
(vibefuck)
guy I am
I'm Caesar
I'm ordinary
I'm vibefucked until you come home
Vibefucked until you receive me
Vibefucked until the waves crest on the horizon
Glinting in the sun for just a moment
Vibefucked until they crash on the sand
Cheshire Moon
Purple water
Wavy purple water
Rolling into
The wooden dock
Cigarette smoke
Wet filter
Sitting on the wood
Feet hanging
Toes slipping
Into the folds of water
And I smile
Because the Cheshire moon
Is smiling at me
Breath of Time
I felt a breath of time slip by
And at that second
After it had come and gone
I knew I was living and dying
Strange,
The way the breeze will change my mind
From knowing I'm gonna die
To knowing I'm living
Because I'm gonna die
Everything has its counterbalance
Like warm and cold
Wet and dry
And each set of balances
Its comfortable middle-
Out of a sun scorched sky
Rises friendly dusk
And there's that one breath of time
Before the dark sets into the clouds
When I can feel it perfect
So where is this comfortable middle in life?
Everyday I listen for that breath of time
Just so when its time for me to lie down
And accept death
I know I've found the middle
Just once, so that I don't feel
Like I'm perpetually living hard and dying fast
Maybe its that second
Right before death
Where the object of my demise will hang in the air
Held still until that one breath of time
That slight, little, almost happy-not too sad breeze
Blows through the air
That's when my eyes spread open to the whites
And I can just stop thinking
Just rest, and feel the middle
Then collapse
Or maybe that last breath of time
Will escape me
Like that breath that blows through
On the moment when consciousness
Gives way to sleep
But if there is no dying in that second
Then maybe it can last forever
That one second of content will carry on
Even after all the other seconds
Have gone the way of my ashes
That one breath of time will hold on
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